Mitchell La

Does anyone remember that video game, “King of the Monsters”? I think it was an SNK joint inside those Neo Geo machines. Basic premise is Rampage on a 3D-ish landscape. You could be a Godzilla-clone, an Ultraman-clone or some other monsters – and you basically duke it out with each other and a multitude of puny humanoid armies.

What’s that got to do with Mitchell La? Well, this week(ish) I aim to draw the “King of the Housers” – “housers” being what we used to call the (mostly) Asian dudes with gelled-up hair and fat pants who listened to house music. [Not to be confused with Ravers, who also wore fat pants, albeit with a lot more candy-based jewelry and fun fur…]

Was Mitchell La their king? I dunno, rilly… But his hair and steez was certainly emblematic of their whole schtick. Dunno if you can tell from this drawing, but dude was definitely on some Eurasian shit, too.

Shaun Taylor

Another big hairstyle in the early 90s – the mushroom cut. There were many variants, but that whole shaved-undersides thing was usually the common thread.

And honestly, dude looked way dorkier in his yearbook photo than I’ve made him appear here. Generally, these drawings skew uglier – in that they’re less attractive than the people I’m depicting. Herein lies the exception… (sorry, Shaun)

Laura Riley

This drawing doesn’t really do this chick justice, but we have a saying around here: “Get used to it, Hitler…”

In my defense, her yearbook photo didn’t really do her justice either. She was a couple years younger than me and my peeps, but for whatever reason we knew her and her crew. Of course, her game was tighter than that of her compatriots. On an unrelated note, I believe she is also a mom these days…

Jeffrey Hagan

So dude’s not very alternative – looking, anyway… But this side-part with leftovers-on-the-back hairdo was pretty common in the late 80s/early 90s. Why? I can’t honestly tell you. Maybe a dude in Glass Tiger rocked that shit. Or the lead singer of Honeymoon Suite. I’m not intentionally dissing CanCon here – I just can’t think of any other more period-appropriate musical acts that may have committed similar follicle atrocities.

Of course, the joke is ultimately on me (when is it ever not?) because right now I would kill to have dude’s amount of hair…

Chris Talluri

Speaking of alterno-kids, here’s a classic early 90s haircut for the indie crowd. Why? Versatility. You could go grunge, shoegaze, industrial (Nine Inch Nails, inexplicably, was very popular at the time)… even metal and instantly be down. This look likely would’ve surrounded you at a Rage Against The Machine concert back then…

Look, I ain’t hatin’ (well, I am hating against RATM and NIN), just observatin’. And I’m sure this li’l twerp got a lot of play for his sullen, angsty-looking indie troubles.

Christopher Myers

The only thing more common than mullets in the early 90s were Raiders, UNLV, Michigan and Georgetown snapbacks. Trust me. 

Mullets just barely surpassed San Jose Sharks, L.A. Kings and Miami (aka “The U”) Starter caps as the headwear of choice. And if you wore a mullet AND one of the previously mentioned hats, then you were just covering all the bases, I guess.

What I love the most about them is the whole two-hairstyles-for-the-price-of-one element. That’s the kind of bargain my parents would really go for…

Suresh Khan

Relax, everyone. This isn’t the punjabi Bobby Brown – but it is a brown guy with an awesome brown-guy flat top and a shirt reminiscent of many a late 80s/early 90s R&B video. Consider that time period the “Rayon era”…

This drawing also looks makes dude look like a cross between Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein. I think I may have unwittingly flattered him in my portrayal – unintentionally, of course. I don’t usually try to make people look better than their pictures. In fact, usually the opposite occurs.

“Daddy’s still got a flat top…”

I’m sure that Patrick Ewing’s insistence on retaining the flat top stubbornly into the mid- and late 90s inspired Chris Rock’s skit…

One Mean Hombré

In the NBA, when you call a player an “hombré”, it means he is not to be fucked with. In other words, Charles Oakley…

Mark H.

It’s not his fault he looks like a rapist or pedophile. Mark H. was just a victim of the time period – the late 80s/early 90s. Without that hideous molestor’s ‘stache, he’d be comparable to Kirk Cameron – in looks if not politics.

Same goes for that extra luscious/ridiculous turtleneck he’s rocking. Lumpy? Sure. Too big-necked? Perhaps. But perfectly acceptable in the Cosby era.

Not particularly relevant, but his younger sister was crazy hot.