Julie Chamberlain

Taking a momentary reprieve from housers, here’s a younger Ctrl-Alt-Del girl we used to call “Morrissey chick” (on account of her being alty and rocking a Morrissey shirt from time to time). She was a pal of alterno-chick (aka Catherine Stankowski), and I’ll be frank – I thought she was cute. After all, it takes balls (metaphorically) – as well as a pretty face (actually) – to get away with sporting a short hairdo. Maybe not the most accurate portrayal but hopefully those who know her will get the gist.

Shaun Taylor

Another big hairstyle in the early 90s – the mushroom cut. There were many variants, but that whole shaved-undersides thing was usually the common thread.

And honestly, dude looked way dorkier in his yearbook photo than I’ve made him appear here. Generally, these drawings skew uglier – in that they’re less attractive than the people I’m depicting. Herein lies the exception… (sorry, Shaun)

Marvin Mergelmeier

If you heard this dude’s name in an episode of The Simpsons, you’d be like, “Naw, too unrealistic…” One of the all-time greats. Seriously.

And peep the cut of his jib. Let’s put it this way: Dr. Huxtable called and he wants his sweater back. Now I admittedly guessed as to the colorings, but I wager I’m not far off the mark here. And he complements it with the trademark look of the late 80s/early 90s – a turtleneck. Choice!

Geek, nerd, poindexter, spazz, dork – you choose the pejorative. Just remember he’s (likely) more successful, handsome and happier than yours truly…

For the record, the other all-time great names from hi skool I can recall (not counting collegiate or pro athletes) are: Marty Donkervoot (some pundit I read about during the whole Marc Lépine Montreal massacre) and Phillip Rintaro (the name on my li’l cousin’s fake ID)…

Richard Lin (no relation to Jeremy – I think)

I dunno this cat, but he totally looks like a random junior triad from movies like Year of the Dragon or Tongs (which I’ve never actually seen, though I have seen the poster a bajillion times, for some reason). Just dig the jaunty flip on his collar.

BTW, all the next few cats are from one (1!) single page of my grade 9 yearbook – and what’s even crazier is I’ve already previously mined it for a plethora of mullets and Asians. I sincerely think (and hope) that Asians are representing far cooler hairstyles and gear than the messy time period known as the late 80s/early 90s…

Jason Kuroshima

What up, tumblrinos. My apologies – it’s been a minute and I’m inherently lazy. Anyhow, this dude was my first encounter with a bi-racial kid, though I didn’t give it much thought at the time. His pops was Japanese (obvs’); his mom, English. The Japanese thing was evident cuz he always had the sweetest Transformers and shit in grade skool – and the English thing was evident from his mom’s horrible teeth (and accent). I don’t wanna sound like a dick, though, cause she was a super-nice lady, always bringing in cake for the whole class on Jason’s birthday an’ shit.

Anyhow, dude was the classic grade skool (and hi skool) stanky slob, nawimean? Stinky, sticky, ass-crack constantly on display, hand always down his pants, etc. You know the type. I had to resist the urge to draw flies circling his body to give you a sense of his personal stank.

I’m sure he’s a perfectly-whatever adult now, but lemme just leave you with this nugget. Back in grade 9, my homeboy James, who’d become increasingly truant over time, finally saw fit to attend drama class one day.

“Long time, no see, James,” says Jason in this condescendingly annoying quasi-English-accented voice of his (on account of growing up with a British ma-dukes, one supposes).

“Shut the fuck up, Jason,” James replies. We all promptly cracked the fuck up. That probably tells you more about James than Jason, but it’s still a great line…

Deborah Whyte

I can’t quite tell if she’s Trini, Guyanese or just straight-up Black due to the lightness of skin. Either way, quite a popular hair-steez amongst black chicks backintheday…

I also always find it disturbing when you can’t see someone’s eye – unless it’s because one eye is covered with an eye-patch, Hathaway-Man style or otherwise…

Other famous one-eyed dudes? Ummm, Sagat? Nick Fury? That’s all I got…

Ezra Chang

I know – the fuck kinda name is Ezra, am I right? But Korean folks are mad guilty of naming their seeds on some biblical shit – at least when they name ‘em in English. Hence the preponderance of Graces and Esthers and whatnot. 

So dude was kind of a handsome cat, which I don’t think I’ve necessarily succeeding in capturing here. But frankly, who cares? I say that cuz I first met duder in like the summer after grade 7 (or maybe grade 8) at this Korean Summer Skool. Wuzzat? y’all white folks are probably askin’. 

It’s basically summer skool for kids who didn’t fail shit but whose parents thought it’d be best if they learned Korean (and other stuff) during the summer regardless.

Anyhow, I met him there and he was a dick. Later he showed up at my hi skool – and I can’t honestly say I said a word to him then, so maybe he stopped being a dick. Who knows (or cares)?

His younger sister was mad hot, though. I recall my homeboy Ray asked her out backintheday, but she rebuffed him on some “I only date Korean dudes”-type shit. I guess this is reverse poetic justice, or something – but who am I to say? I’ve got my own bullshit proclivities I’m going to try harder to keep to myself…

Daniel Gunaratnam

I was trying to figure out who dude reminded me of when it hit me: Kobe.

Dude looks exactly like Kobe with a Sri Lankan wig on, no? There’s that kinda lean, long slightly-Native facial structure, combined with the faintly condescending smirk that’s Kobe’s go-to facial expression.

At first, of course, I was just attracted to that sick-ass mane of hair. But once you get into the nitty-gritty, all I could see is the son of Jelly Bean Bryant…

Suresh Khan

Relax, everyone. This isn’t the punjabi Bobby Brown – but it is a brown guy with an awesome brown-guy flat top and a shirt reminiscent of many a late 80s/early 90s R&B video. Consider that time period the “Rayon era”…

This drawing also looks makes dude look like a cross between Joseph Stalin and Saddam Hussein. I think I may have unwittingly flattered him in my portrayal – unintentionally, of course. I don’t usually try to make people look better than their pictures. In fact, usually the opposite occurs.

Mike Hodge

Ladies and gentlemen, introducing the tallest flat top in Woburn C.I. (and possibly all of Scarborough) circa the early 90s. I used to think it was Lorne Grandison’s, but after one gander of Mike’s he takes the crown. I may not have even drawn it high enough. Perhaps I was fearful that no one would believe that’s how tall his hair actually was. Patrick Ewing and Charles Oakley (circa early 90s) didn’t have shit on him…